ONE OF THEM SAID,”IM THE BEST SURGEON IN TEXAS.  A CONCERT PIANIST LOST 7 FINGERS IN AN ACCIDENT, I REATTACHED THEM, AND 8 MONTHS LATER HE PERFORMED A PRIVATE CONCERT FOR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

ONE OF THE OTHERS SAID, “THATS NOTHING, A YOUNG MAN LOST BOTH ARMS AND LEGS IN AN ACCIDENT, I REATTACHED THEM, AND 2 YEARS LATER HE WON A GOLD MEDAL IN FIELD EVENTS IN THE OLYMPICS.”

THE THIRD SURGEON SAID, “YOU GUYS ARE PIKERS. SEVERAL YEARS AGO A COWBOY WHO WAS HIGH ON COCAINE AND ALCOHOL RODE A HORSE HEAD-ON INTO A TRAIN TRAVELING 80 MILES AN HOUR.  ALL I HAD TO WORK WITH WAS THE HORSES ASS AND A COWBOY HAT.  NOW HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!

“Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

“He’s a liar.  He didn’t do any of that stuff.

He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Pope mobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. “I give you my blessings for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick “Who was that?”

“It was the Pope,” Dick replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has all of God’s wisdom.”

Well,” President Bush said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about shark fishing…………….how’s the bait holding up?”

Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started examining
him. He put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. “Aha!” mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midge to cough again.

“Aha!” said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, “How does that feel now?”

The midget said, “Perfect, Doc, and I didn’t even feel it. What did you do?”

“I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots,” replied the doctor.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!”

The service itself was impressive with wonderful flowers and sprays, a portrait of James, his uniform and boots, his awards and ribbons. There was lots of military brass and an eloquent (though inappropriately longwinded) Baptist preacher. There were easily 1000 people at the service, filling the church sanctuary as well as the fellowship hall and spilling out into the parking lot.

However, the most incredible thing was what happened following the service on the way to the cemetery. We went to our cars and drove to the cemetery escorted by at least 10 police cars with lights flashing and some other emergency vehicles, with Texas Rangers handling traffic. Everyone on the road who was not in the procession, pulled over, got out of their cars, and stood silently and respectfully, some put their hands over their hearts, some had small flags. Shop keepers came outside with their customers and did the same thing. Construction workers stopped their work, got off their equipment and! put their hands over their hearts, too. There was no noise whatsoever except a few birds and the quiet hum of cars going slowly up the road.

When we turned off the highway suddenly there were teenage boys along both sides of the street about every 20 feet or so, all holding large American flags on long flag poles, and again with their hands on their hearts. We thought at first it was the Boy Scouts or 4H club or something, but it continued … for two and a half miles. Hundreds of young people, standing silently on the side of the road with flags. At one point we passed an elementary school, and all the children were outside, shoulder to shoulder holding flags .. kindergartners, handicapped, teachers, staff, everyone. Some held signs of love and support. Then came teenage girls and younger boys, all holding flags. Then adults. Then families. All standing silently on the side of the road. No one spoke, not even! the very young children. The last few turns found people crowded together holding flags or with their hands on their hearts. Some were on horseback.

The military presence…at least two generals, a fist full of colonels, and representatives from every branch of the service, plus the color guard which attended James, and some who served with him … was very impressive and respectful, but the love and pride from this community who had lost one of their own was the most amazing thing I’ve ever been privileged to witness.

I’ve attached some pictures, some are blurry (we were moving), but you can get a small idea of what this was like. Thanks so much for all the prayers and support.”